Week 1: Friday Roundup

The AT&T Park grounds crew removes Pablo Sandoval's boob sweat from the playing surface. 

This is the only known
photo of Gen. J. Dansby
Swanson.

STUDS: Retired Confederate general Dansby Swanson (PYB) was a homer short of the cycle, drove in 3 and scored a run. Corey Dickerson (AL) went 3 for 4 with 2 doubles, 2 runs and 2 RBIs. Carlos Gonzalez (FF) homered and had an RBI single.

DUDS: German Marquez (PM) lost the war against the Braves — that's right, a World War II joke — by getting tagged for 7 runs with 2 Ks in a 4.2-inning loss. Adam Duvall (FDD) went 0 for 3 with a walk and an error as his slash line fell to an unusual .150/.182/.500.

ODDS AND ENDS: Kyle Schwarber (SG) went 0 for 4 with 4 Ks and still put up 1.5 points by walking and scoring. The Giants-Dodgers game was postponed because the Los Angeles offense didn't bother to show up. Or was it the San Francisco offense? Aw, who cares — both these teams are playing like crap.

Week 1: Thursday Roundup

As usual, America shows Canada who runs the show. 

Hey, Maikel. How many oxygen tanks did you need
after legging out that triple today? 

STUDS: Robbie Ray (FDD) unsurprisingly walked 5 but allowed only 2 hits and struck out 9 in a 6-inning win. Jon Lester (AL) didn't allow a run and fanned 6 in 6 shutout innings at Milwaukee. Jay Bruce (R) hit a grand slam, doubled and scored twice. He also made an error in classic Mets fashion. Maikel Franco (FF) had a 2-run homer, a triple and a 2-run single. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to us, either.

DUDS: Homer Bailey (PM) struggled in a loss at Pittsburgh, allowing 4 runs, fanning 2 and taking the L in 4.2 innings. Brad Hand (CB) was awful again, walking 3, giving up 1 hit and allowing 3 unearned runs in a 0.2-inning loss. On the bright side, he struck out 2. Yay? Corey Knebel (PYB) pitched in a blowout and allowed 2 runs in 0.2 inning, then had to be helped off the field with what appeared to be a serious hamstring injury. Sorry, Scott. Trea Turner (SG) went 0 for 3 with 3 Ks, then was ejected for arguing. Paul DeJong (BM) went 0 for 4 with 4 Ks and an error. Hey, that's Pedro Alvarez's move!

Week 1: Wednesday Roundup

Patrick Corbin acknowledges the verbal abuse from a fuming FBLG commissioner
after shutting down Rich's beloved Dodgers.

Signing an extension worth more than
$100 million would put us in the mood
to dance, too.

STUDS: Patrick Corbin (FF) dominated the Dodgers, striking out 12 and allowing only 1 hit in a 7.1-inning win. He also singled, doubled and scored; sadly, ESPN still cares not for pitchers with offensive prowess. Jon Gray (BM) was great in San Diego, picking up the win and fanning 7 in 7 shutout innings. Carlos Martinez (SG) cruised in a win at Milwaukee, striking out 10 in 8.1 shutout innings. We didn't have any hitters earn their way into this section today, so we'll just acknowledge Charlie Blackmon's skills on the dance floor. Modest suggestion: The FBLG owner who finishes last in the points this year has to film himself replicating this video and share it with us.

DUDS: Jonathan Villar (SG) had a classic Villar game, going 2 for 4 with 2 Ks and a steal — and 2 errors. The Dodgers went 1 for 28 against the Diamondbacks today, which is head-scratchingly bad.

Week 1: Tuesday Roundup

Somebody named Christian Villanueva hit 3 homers for the Padres today. He drove in 5 and scored 4 runs.

Brian Wilson, best known as a sleeper agent in the Los
Angeles bullpen, goes incognito without a beard to
throw out the first pitch for the Giants. It was lined
into the gap for a bases-clearing double. 

STUDS: Christian Yelich (M) was a triple short of the cycle, scored twice and drove in a pair. More importantly, he tied the game with a 9th-inning homer before Ryan Braun won the game with a homer of his own to show the Cardinals how to lose The Right Way. Tommy Pham (PM) was a triple short of a cycle, scored twice and stole a base. Freddie Freeman (R) had a 3-run homer, an RBI single, 2 walks and 3 runs. Ozzie Albies (R) went 3 for 5 with a double, an RBI and 3 runs.

DUDS: Julio Teheran (AL) stunk against the Nationals, allowing 3 homers and 5 runs while fanning 2 in 2.1 innings. He didn't even take the loss because Washington's A.J. Cole was a complete disaster. Cole allowed 10 hits and walked 3 in a 3.1-inning loss. Coincidentally, he's available in FBLG. Jorge Alfaro (SG) went 0 for 3 with 3 Ks.

RAINOUT: The Cubs and Reds didn't even bother to try. They'll play a doubleheader later in the season.

Week 1: Monday Roundup

The Rockies were jumping for joy when they saw the Padres were sending Bryan Mitchell to the mound.

STUDS: Jameson Taillon (PM) struck out 9 and allowed 2 runs in a 5.1-inning win. Paul DeJong (BM) continued to roll, with a homer, 2 singles, 2 runs and 3 RBIs. Tanner Roark (SG) had 6 Ks and allowed only 1 run in a 7-inning win. Bryce Harper (AL) had a homer, 3 RBIs, 3 runs and 4 walks. Yasmani Grandal (PYB) was a triple shy of the cycle, walked twice, scored twice and drove in 2. Charlie Blackmon (PYB) homered, doubled twice and scored twice. Ian Desmond (PYB) homered, doubled and drove in 3.

DUDS: Kenley Jansen (SG), who is probably washed up and will never be good again, allowed a 3-run bomb to blow a save. Kris Bryant (CB) walked and made a hilarious error. "Don't give me that olé bullshit," said Cubs manager Lou Brown.

TODAY IN MOTIVATIONAL GIFS: Edwin Encarnacion hit an inside-the-park home run. Nothing is impossible. Reach for the sky! And remember: you, too, can achieve anything, just as long as you have a Justin Upton-esque enabler:

We interrupt this coverage of the National Championship to tell you that EDWIN ENCARNACION HIT AN INSIDE-THE-PARK HOME RUN pic.twitter.com/yqnsg0kvvG

— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) April 3, 2018

Week 1: First Sunday Roundup

Paul DeJong's power-packed rookie season might not have been a fluke. 

David Robertson presents our GIF of the Day. 

STUDS: Rich Hill (PYB) didn't allow a run and struck out 5 in a 6-inning win against the Giants. He even kept Joe Panik in the yard! Bryce Harper (AL) and Paul DeJong (BM) each hit a pair of solo homers and walked. Josh Harrison (M) did nothing in the first game of a doubleheader, then went off in game 2, finishing a triple short of a cycle, driving in 2 and scoring twice. Felipe Rivero (R) picked up saves in both games against Detroit, striking out 5 in 2 scoreless innings. Gio Gonzalez (R) fanned 7 and allowed 1 run in a 6-inning win.

DUDS: Jose Quintana (CB) allowed 6 runs and struck out 2 in a 6-inning loss. What's the deal with Cubs pitchers being lame against the Marlins? Also, Giants hitters other than Panik earn a spot on this list for producing zero runs in the team's first four games of the season.