Week 1: The Check Swing

For one week at least, Stud of the Week Gregory Polanco and the Misfits are looking up in the standings at no one.

The commish is taking the FBLG equivalent of droit du seigneur and rolling through the season's first week in review. Will he use it as a forum to air his grievances, make fun of players he doesn't like, and make unfair judgments based on a week's sample size? Read on to find out!

The scoreboard

1. The Misfits (285.8 points, 1-0): (Vin Scully voice) AND LOOK WHO'S COMING UP! It's the dean of FBLG owners, the wily veteran, the frequent drafter of Willies Mays, Stargell and Keeler... it's Reid! The offense probably won't put up 206.5 points every week, so let's go ahead and be dazzled by it now. Gregory Polanco - who may actually be good again - had a ridiculous 13 RBIs and scored 42 points. Who was he driving in? Why, Josh Harrison scored 11 times and had 35.5 points. Raise your hand if you thought the Pirates offense would be the driving force behind the season's first week. Lorenzo Cain (27.5) and Christian Yelich (22.5 before getting hurt) were great too, as was everyone's favorite neck-tattooed catcher, Yadier Molina (26.5). Even Eric Hosmer (24.5) was great, with the exception of one pop fly. Clatyton Kershaw was the only pitcher to be good, and even he couldn't get a win as the Misfits staff went 0-3. At least Wade Davis was 4-5 in save opps. Congrats to Reid for the stellar opener.

We went looking for a picture of Sean Newcomb
and found this instead.

2. The Rookies (271.5 points, 1-0): Freddie Freeman, who remains the most underrated player in baseball, put up 43.5 points to lead the Rookies to a win against the Fish. Freeman had 11 RBIs, 10 runs... and 13 walks! Rookie sensation Ozzie Albies had 34 points, David Peralta put up 30.5 and Eugenio Suarez scored 27.5 as the Rookies' offense scored 185.5 points despite not getting much of anything from Austin Hedges and Orlando Arcia. As a team, though: 12 homers, 16 doubles, 41 RBIs, 43 runs, 31 walks... yeah, that will work. Henry's pitching was good but not great, as lefties Gio Gonzalez (27.3 points) and Sean Newcomb (22.3) led the way. Ace Zack Greinke, though, was 0-1 and managed only 10.2 innings in 2 starts. But if the Braves keep hitting for our resident Atlanta fan, the Rookies will be a tough out all season.

Former relief-because-he-sucked-so-much pitcher
Patrick Corbin is your Ace of the Week.

3. Fresh Fish (258.8 points, 0-1): Tough-luck Rick is 0-1 despite scoring the third-most points, dropping a close one to the Rookies. Patrick Corbin put up 41 points in 2 starts as the out-of-nowhere ace, and yeah that's not infuriating at all to past Corbin owners who watched him be so bad he spent the second half of the season in the bullpen, no sirree. Add in Max Scherzer (28) and the Japanese tandem of Yu Darvish (17.3) and Kenta Maeda (23) and this rotation could be a force to be reckoned with all season. The offense was solid, with Maikel Franco's 11 RBIs leading to a 26.5-point week. It's ok to go ahead and count on that every week from young Mr. Franco (snicker). But Carlos Gonzalez (23.5), Andrew McCutchen (19.5) and Yasiel Puig (18.5) are likely to keep hitting, and that might be enough with this staff. At least until Darvish starts tipping his slider again.

4. Fasano Don't Dance (258 points, 1-0): When you spend 4 of your first 5 picks building a rotation, it's nice when your pitching staff emerges as a strength right from the start of the season. Jacob deGrom (31.7) points, Robbie Ray (31) and Stephen Strasburg (22.3) led the charge as the rotation won 6 of 7 starts and struck out 45 batters in the hard-fought win against Project Mayhem. The offense... well, let's just say there's room for growth. Adorable fat man/guitar hero Carlos Santana put up 25 points to lead the way, and late-round pick Chris Iannetta had 9 hits, but the opening matchup was marked by lots and lots and lots of strikeouts. Ian Happ is striking out 56.7 percent of his at-bats, for example. And star third baseman Jake Lamb is already on the DL The commishes are hoping that the warmer weather will wake up the bats.

My darling Dansby, do bring your gentle soul back
from that horrible war. And hit the ball where it's pitched.

5. Pitch You Blockhead! (256.8 points, 1-0): It was an up-and-down opening week for Scott. He got the win and saw some great offensive prowess, but his closer blew out his hamstring and his two top offensive weapons both have bad backs. First the good: Charlie Blackmon (33.5 points) just keeps hitting, and Brigadier General J. Dansby Swanson (32.5) looks like he might be pretty great, too. Asdrubal Cabrera (25.5), Anthony Rendon (23), Ian Desmond (21) and Yasmani Grandal (20) all contributed mightily on offense. Dodger lefties Rich Hill (23 points) and Alex Wood (18) had their moments. But for the bad: Blackmon has a bum back, and is day to day, as is Anthony Rizzo, who struggled to a 9.5-point opener before missing a handful of games. And Corey Knebel's hamstring did him no favors, leaving him on the DL for a while. If Blackmon and Rizzo are back, this offense will cook, but can Clayton Richard, Miles Mikolas and Brad Boxberger fill out the back end of the rotation and the closer's spot?

6. Arbitration Losers (248.7 points, 0-1): Tim's pitching staff had an ugly week, and his offense's massive production couldn't overcome it in the loss to the Misfits. Johnny Cueto put up 22 points and Jon Lester had 19.3, but Michael Wacha, Julio Teheran and closer Hector Neris combined for just 15.4. Offensively, first-round pick Bryce Harper did Bryce Harper things: 6 homers, 10 runs, 12 RBIs, 13 walks.. a nice 45.5 to start the season. AJ Pollock (39.5) did a little of everything, including infuriate a certain commissioner who just flat doesn't like him. And Corey Dickerson rocked 6 extra base hits for a 31-point week. When Corey Seager starts hitting, this offense will get even stronger. But can the rotation do more? On behalf of the rest of the league, we better hope not.

Our dud of the week is the umpiring crew who didn't eject Yadi for this.

7. Project Mayhem (245.5 points, 0-1): Bill's big bats did the bopping he was hoping for in the tight loss to Fasano, but his pitching staff was largely disappointing. Jameson Taillon (38.3 points) looks like he could be an ace, but Aaron Nola struggled (as did his manager) in two starts, and Homer Bailey and German Marquez went a combined 0-3. Jeurys "Happy" Familia racked up 4 saves, though, as the Mets teased their fans with a good start to the season. Top pick Nolan Arenado put up 30 points, and Tommy Pham (24.5), Josh Bell (23.5) and Marcell Ozuna (23) all did their part. Three catchers have already played for Mayhem, and they combined for only 6.5 points, which isn't ideal. But it looks like the rest of the offense will be legit. 

8. BodySuit Man (243.8 points, 1-0): Adam is this week's luckiest winner, as the Fightin' Costanzas edged the Geniuses by 2.5 points. Who to credit for the win? We're looking at Brandon McCarthy, who put up 2 wins and 25.3 points in a pair of starts to bolster performances by aces Noah Syndergaaaaard (26 points) and Jon Gray (21). It's clear that, when you add in closer Sean Doolittle, Adam's rotation wins the Best Hair Award. In the lineup, Matt Kemp and Ketel Marte (since cut) did nothing, but enigmatic star Yoenis Cespedes led the way with 26 points. Joey Votto was limited to 7 singles, an RBI and somehow only 1 walk in a down week. And Paul DeJong (21.5 points) hit 3 more homers than Willson Contreras, Votto, Kemp and Todd Frazier combined. If BMac keeps pitching like this, Adam's team will keep winning. 

9. Stable Geniuses (241.3 points, 0-1): Matt's pitching staff struck out 51 guys, but only got a 3-3 record with 1 save out of it in the narrow loss to Adam. The offense is pretty loaded, with Starling Marte (23 points), Travis Shaw (22.5), Trea Turner (22) and Cody Bellinger (20) racking up points. But who led the way for the offense? That's right, noted slugger Joe Panik, who hit 3 solo homers and 8 singles for a 24.5. After 2 games, it appeared Panik solo homers might be the only way the Giants score this year. Tanner Roark (26) points, Carlos Martinez (25.7) and Luke Weaver (24.3) were stellar, but closer Kenley Jansen had a loss and a blown save and notched only 3 points for the week. Must be a bittersweet feeling for a Giants fan to lose because the Dodgers closer looked human for a week.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa Bad Hand.

10. Clemente's Bucs (221.8 points, 0-1): Is it a bad sign when your closer is 0-2 with a blown save after the first week? We'll say yes, and that typifies the kind of opener it was for our defending champ in the loss to the Blockheads. Kyle Hendricks (12 points), Ivan Nova (7.3) and previously referenced closer Brad Hand (9) didn't do much, and even aces Jose Quintana (16) and Chase Anderson (20) weren't great in 2 starts. The offense - which saw 12 different players score points - was led by the Welsh Whacker himself, Rhys Hoskins (34.5 points). Adam Eaton (31.5) made a triumphant return from injury, and Kris Bryant (27) was his usual self. But Domingo Santana (9.5), Alex Avila (3.5), Manny Pina (5) and Jose Peraza (0) didn't do much, and Paul Goldschmidt (14) had a rough start. With the offensive firepower, this team will hit better, but can the pitching do enough?

Dance like you're leading the league in homers. Oh, god, wait, stop that. DON'T DANCE.

Hitting leaders after week 1

1. Bryce Harper (AL) 45.5
2. Freddie Freeman (R) 43.5
3. Gregory Polanco (M) 32
4. AJ Pollock (AL) 39.5
5. Josh Harrison (M) 35.5

Bring back the hair, deGrom. 

Pitching leaders after week 1

1. Patrick Corbin (FF) 41
2. Jameson Taillon (PM) 38.3
3. Jacob deGrom (FDD) 31.7
4. Robbie Ray (FDD) 31
5. Max Scherzer (FF) 28

Week 1: Sunday Roundup

Jameson Taillon celebrates his 1-hitter against the ... wait a second. Is Josh Bell holding a foot bath?
Why is Josh Bell holding a foot bath?

Jake Arrieta's beard might be full of cheesesteak drippings.
It's hard to tell from this angle. 

STUDS: Bryce Harper (AL) went 3 for 4 with a 2-run homer, 2 runs scored and 2 walks. Kenley Jansen (SG) picked up his first save of the season — well done, Dodgers — by striking out the side in an inning of work. Sean Newcomb (R) picked up the win and struck out 9 in 6 shutout, walk-free innings. Jose Quintana (CB) didn't allow a run and fanned 6 in a 6-inning win. Jameson Taillon (PM) went the distance to shut out the Reds and struck out 7. Did we mention it was a 1-hitter and that the hit came from pitcher Tyler Mahle?

DUDS: The Reds are trash.

GABE KAPLER OVERMANAGING WATCH: The Phillies yanked Jake Arrieta (BM bench) after 4 innings and 74 pitches. It could be a long season in Philly.

Week 1: Saturday Roundup

It didn't take long for the Giants to find a use for all that Pablo Sandoval boob sweat. 

This pitch was called a ball.
That's quality umpiring, Mike Winters.

STUDS: Andrew McCutchen (FF) hit the game-winning 3-run homer in the 14th inning against the Dodgers and finished the day 6 for 7 with a double, a steal, 4 RBIs and 2 runs. That's a 15-point day in FBLG, folks. Carlos Santana (FDD) hit a 3-run homer, singled and scored twice in the Phillies' 20-1 beatdown of Derek Jeter's Marlins. Stay tuned for more Studs from this game (sorry, Marlins fans). Kris Bryant (CB) was a double short of a cycle and walked twice. Rhys Hoskins (CB) singled, doubled, scored 3 runs, drove in 3 and walked twice. Hey, look at Maikel Franco (FF) making back-to-back appearances on this list! He hit a grand slam and a 2-run double; he also walked and scored 3 runs. Eugenio Suarez (R) was a triple short of a cycle, drove in 5 and walked.

DUDS: Miami pitchers Dillon Peters and Jacob Turner — both somehow still available in FBLG — combined to allow 17 earned runs in 3.2 innings. Adam Duvall (FDD) went 0 for 5 with 4 Ks.

SERIOUSLY? The Padres lost 1-0 to the Astros when Eric Hosmer failed to track a 2-out popup, the ball fell untouched and the winning run scored from second base. Oh, Padres.

Good things can happen when you put the ball in play. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#walkoff pic.twitter.com/wKJRkLrM7i

— MLB (@MLB) April 8, 2018

Week 1: Friday Roundup

The AT&T Park grounds crew removes Pablo Sandoval's boob sweat from the playing surface. 

This is the only known
photo of Gen. J. Dansby
Swanson.

STUDS: Retired Confederate general Dansby Swanson (PYB) was a homer short of the cycle, drove in 3 and scored a run. Corey Dickerson (AL) went 3 for 4 with 2 doubles, 2 runs and 2 RBIs. Carlos Gonzalez (FF) homered and had an RBI single.

DUDS: German Marquez (PM) lost the war against the Braves — that's right, a World War II joke — by getting tagged for 7 runs with 2 Ks in a 4.2-inning loss. Adam Duvall (FDD) went 0 for 3 with a walk and an error as his slash line fell to an unusual .150/.182/.500.

ODDS AND ENDS: Kyle Schwarber (SG) went 0 for 4 with 4 Ks and still put up 1.5 points by walking and scoring. The Giants-Dodgers game was postponed because the Los Angeles offense didn't bother to show up. Or was it the San Francisco offense? Aw, who cares — both these teams are playing like crap.

Week 1: Thursday Roundup

As usual, America shows Canada who runs the show. 

Hey, Maikel. How many oxygen tanks did you need
after legging out that triple today? 

STUDS: Robbie Ray (FDD) unsurprisingly walked 5 but allowed only 2 hits and struck out 9 in a 6-inning win. Jon Lester (AL) didn't allow a run and fanned 6 in 6 shutout innings at Milwaukee. Jay Bruce (R) hit a grand slam, doubled and scored twice. He also made an error in classic Mets fashion. Maikel Franco (FF) had a 2-run homer, a triple and a 2-run single. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to us, either.

DUDS: Homer Bailey (PM) struggled in a loss at Pittsburgh, allowing 4 runs, fanning 2 and taking the L in 4.2 innings. Brad Hand (CB) was awful again, walking 3, giving up 1 hit and allowing 3 unearned runs in a 0.2-inning loss. On the bright side, he struck out 2. Yay? Corey Knebel (PYB) pitched in a blowout and allowed 2 runs in 0.2 inning, then had to be helped off the field with what appeared to be a serious hamstring injury. Sorry, Scott. Trea Turner (SG) went 0 for 3 with 3 Ks, then was ejected for arguing. Paul DeJong (BM) went 0 for 4 with 4 Ks and an error. Hey, that's Pedro Alvarez's move!

Week 1: Wednesday Roundup

Patrick Corbin acknowledges the verbal abuse from a fuming FBLG commissioner
after shutting down Rich's beloved Dodgers.

Signing an extension worth more than
$100 million would put us in the mood
to dance, too.

STUDS: Patrick Corbin (FF) dominated the Dodgers, striking out 12 and allowing only 1 hit in a 7.1-inning win. He also singled, doubled and scored; sadly, ESPN still cares not for pitchers with offensive prowess. Jon Gray (BM) was great in San Diego, picking up the win and fanning 7 in 7 shutout innings. Carlos Martinez (SG) cruised in a win at Milwaukee, striking out 10 in 8.1 shutout innings. We didn't have any hitters earn their way into this section today, so we'll just acknowledge Charlie Blackmon's skills on the dance floor. Modest suggestion: The FBLG owner who finishes last in the points this year has to film himself replicating this video and share it with us.

DUDS: Jonathan Villar (SG) had a classic Villar game, going 2 for 4 with 2 Ks and a steal — and 2 errors. The Dodgers went 1 for 28 against the Diamondbacks today, which is head-scratchingly bad.

Week 1: Tuesday Roundup

Somebody named Christian Villanueva hit 3 homers for the Padres today. He drove in 5 and scored 4 runs.

Brian Wilson, best known as a sleeper agent in the Los
Angeles bullpen, goes incognito without a beard to
throw out the first pitch for the Giants. It was lined
into the gap for a bases-clearing double. 

STUDS: Christian Yelich (M) was a triple short of the cycle, scored twice and drove in a pair. More importantly, he tied the game with a 9th-inning homer before Ryan Braun won the game with a homer of his own to show the Cardinals how to lose The Right Way. Tommy Pham (PM) was a triple short of a cycle, scored twice and stole a base. Freddie Freeman (R) had a 3-run homer, an RBI single, 2 walks and 3 runs. Ozzie Albies (R) went 3 for 5 with a double, an RBI and 3 runs.

DUDS: Julio Teheran (AL) stunk against the Nationals, allowing 3 homers and 5 runs while fanning 2 in 2.1 innings. He didn't even take the loss because Washington's A.J. Cole was a complete disaster. Cole allowed 10 hits and walked 3 in a 3.1-inning loss. Coincidentally, he's available in FBLG. Jorge Alfaro (SG) went 0 for 3 with 3 Ks.

RAINOUT: The Cubs and Reds didn't even bother to try. They'll play a doubleheader later in the season.

Week 1: Monday Roundup

The Rockies were jumping for joy when they saw the Padres were sending Bryan Mitchell to the mound.

STUDS: Jameson Taillon (PM) struck out 9 and allowed 2 runs in a 5.1-inning win. Paul DeJong (BM) continued to roll, with a homer, 2 singles, 2 runs and 3 RBIs. Tanner Roark (SG) had 6 Ks and allowed only 1 run in a 7-inning win. Bryce Harper (AL) had a homer, 3 RBIs, 3 runs and 4 walks. Yasmani Grandal (PYB) was a triple shy of the cycle, walked twice, scored twice and drove in 2. Charlie Blackmon (PYB) homered, doubled twice and scored twice. Ian Desmond (PYB) homered, doubled and drove in 3.

DUDS: Kenley Jansen (SG), who is probably washed up and will never be good again, allowed a 3-run bomb to blow a save. Kris Bryant (CB) walked and made a hilarious error. "Don't give me that olé bullshit," said Cubs manager Lou Brown.

TODAY IN MOTIVATIONAL GIFS: Edwin Encarnacion hit an inside-the-park home run. Nothing is impossible. Reach for the sky! And remember: you, too, can achieve anything, just as long as you have a Justin Upton-esque enabler:

We interrupt this coverage of the National Championship to tell you that EDWIN ENCARNACION HIT AN INSIDE-THE-PARK HOME RUN pic.twitter.com/yqnsg0kvvG

— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) April 3, 2018

Week 1: First Sunday Roundup

Paul DeJong's power-packed rookie season might not have been a fluke. 

David Robertson presents our GIF of the Day. 

STUDS: Rich Hill (PYB) didn't allow a run and struck out 5 in a 6-inning win against the Giants. He even kept Joe Panik in the yard! Bryce Harper (AL) and Paul DeJong (BM) each hit a pair of solo homers and walked. Josh Harrison (M) did nothing in the first game of a doubleheader, then went off in game 2, finishing a triple short of a cycle, driving in 2 and scoring twice. Felipe Rivero (R) picked up saves in both games against Detroit, striking out 5 in 2 scoreless innings. Gio Gonzalez (R) fanned 7 and allowed 1 run in a 6-inning win.

DUDS: Jose Quintana (CB) allowed 6 runs and struck out 2 in a 6-inning loss. What's the deal with Cubs pitchers being lame against the Marlins? Also, Giants hitters other than Panik earn a spot on this list for producing zero runs in the team's first four games of the season.

Week 1: First Saturday Roundup

With Christian Yelich in the outfield, the future is bright in Miami. Oh, wait...

Gabe Kapler has made 18 pitching changes 
in 27.2 innings this season. 

STUDS: Kenta Maeda (FF) went nuts against the Giants, striking out 10 and not allowing a run in a 5-inning win. Stephen Strasburg (FDD) struck out 7 and allowed 3 runs — 1 earned — in a 6.1-inning win. Jacob deGrom (FDD) fanned 7 and allowed 1 run in a 5.2-inning win. It was a great day for hitters, too. Adam Eaton (CB) went nuts against the Reds' sorry excuse of a pitching staff, going 5 for 5 with a homer, 2 doubles, 4 runs and 3 RBIs. Not to be outdone, Christian Yelich (M) went 5 for 5 with a double, 3 runs and 2 RBIs. Lorenzo Cain (M) went 3 for 4 with a steal, a double, a run and 2 RBIs. Ender Inciarte (BM) went 3 for 6 with a run and 4 RBIs. Kyle Schwarber (SG) hit a 2-run homer, doubled and scored twice. Charlie Blackmon (PYB) accounted for all of Colorado's offense in a 2-1 win by hitting a pair of solo homers.

DUDS: Michael Wacha (AL) allowed 4 runs and struck out 2 in a 4.2-inning loss. Phillies manager Gabe Kapler pulled his ace way too early in the season opener and has burned up his bullpen, used a position player to pitch, not started his opening-day No. 3 hitter since opening day, brought in a relief pitcher who hadn't warmed up and really ticked off the City of Brotherly Love. It could be a long season for anyone with Phillies on their team.