Week 3: The Check Swing

Get up, ya lazy bum. We're not paying you millions of dollars to sit on your ass.

1. Tears In Nevin (Rich/Brian, 2-1, 689.5 points, last week 1): Our points leaders didn't just crap the bed in Week 3, they also pissed and barfed in it. In other words, just a regular Saturday night for Tony La Russa. While getting thumped by Clemente's Bucs, the TIN pitching staff posted a pathetic 35 points, going 1-4 in only 25 innings. Remember when it was fun having a bunch of Dodgers hitters? Turns out it's not so great when the L.A. offense dries up. Speaking of drying up, we miss the old Andrew McCutchen. And hey, shouldn't Freddie Freeman be posting more than 3 points in a week? That's 16 points fewer than Mariners legend Omar Narvaez, who led TIN hitters in scoring. 

To us, there can be only one
outfielder named Reynolds
in Pittsburgh.

2. Project Mayhem (Bill, 2-1, 664.5 points, last week 3): Despite a loss to The Misfits, PM performed well enough to move up a spot in the power rankings. Speaking of power, Jesse Winker led Bill's offense with 3 homers and 27 points. Anthony Rizzo and Willson Contreras combined for 34.5 points as the Cubs continued to put up plenty of runs. Ronald Acuña Jr. came off the IL but hasn't done anything since returning. The pitching staff was pretty good — Anthony DeSclafani had a mediocre outing, but Zac Gallen, Trevor Bauer and Yu Darvish were excellent in going 3-0 in four starts. Too bad Daniel Bard only pitched one inning for the Rockies; it turns out you don't actually need a closer if you don't win any games.  

3. Lumber Co Lumber (John, 3-0, 652.83 points, last week 2): Thanks to a dramatic 154.83-154.5 win against The Rookies, LCL became our last undefeated team. Aaron Nola and Joe Musgrove looked great (again) as a two-headed ace monster, but the staff drops off dramatically with relievers David Price and Tejay Antone putting up paltry numbers so far. Brad Hand picked up a couple of saves without striking anybody out, which is the most lefty thing possible. A cast of thousands (OK, maybe just 12) combined for a solid week on offense. Paul Goldschmidt and Bryan Reynolds were the top boppers, but J.D. Davis made three errors at third base and set us up for the way-too-easy Pedro Alvarez joke. But hey, if you can win with Juan Soto and Marcell Ozuna combining for 8 points, more power to you.

The Padres' team doctor has examined
Dinelson Lamet and says everything's fine.

4. Jon Voight's Car (Adam, 0-3, 593.67 points, last week 4): Let's list the reasons it sucks to be Adam. JVC hasn't put up fewer than 175 points in a week, and the team is winless anyway. The LeBarons lead the league in points allowed, so they're getting hosed by the schedule maker. And Adam just got thumped by his brother's team — his younger brother, no less. Regardless, there was plenty to like in Week 3 for JVC. David Peralta drove in 11 runs while scoring 31.5 points. Jacob deGrom had another incredible outing, and Jack Flaherty looks like a stud again. Alex Reyes picked up a pair of saves and seems to be another annoyingly effective St. Louis closer. Dinelson Lamet lasted 29 pitches before the piece of string holding his elbow together snapped, but for some reason the Padres think he might be OK. They have years of experience with disabled pitchers, so we'll trust them.

5. Sunshine Carpet Cleaners (Jack, 2-1, 584.5 points, last week 8): When your pitching staff posts 104.33 points, you're going to win most of the time. Jon Gray and Taijuan Walker went 3-1 and pitched well in their double-start weeks, and Max Scherzer and Walker Buehler did their usual thing. Josh Hader went three for three in saves, too. Fernando Tatis Jr. came off the IL and tormented the Dodgers by hitting 5 homers; he scored 34 points for the week. He also made two more errors — watching him throw these days is like watching a train roll past knowing it's going to derail. Charlie Blackmon apparently stinks now, and after a hot start, Avisail Garcia remembered that he's Avisail Garcia.

It's simple, Kyle. You're too skinny to hit now.

6. Clemente's Bucs (Ray, 2-1, 557.5 points, last week 7): CB's hitting wasn't actually that much better than TIN's (108.5-103.5), but the pitching was miles better (73-35). Brandon Woodruff, Jake Arrieta, Chris Paddack and Charlie Morton allowed five runs in 34 innings, striking out 40 batters and going 3-2. This blog recently asked when Bryce Harper and Pete Alonso would start raking; apparently, the answer was "Week 3." The NL East sluggers combined for six homers and 48.5 points. If we had to pinpoint a negative or two, it'd be Amir Garrett's struggles and Victor Robles' impression of Drew Stubbs. 

7. Boogie Oogie Penny Ponies (Matt, 2-1, 542 points, last week 5): If there's one word to describe BOPP, it's "confusing." When did Mark Melancon become the most reliable closer in the NL? Is Luis Castillo an ace or a replacement-level disaster? Is Freddy Peralta a starting pitcher or not? Why are pitchers continuing to walk Carson Kelly? Is there a more punchable face in baseball than Manny Machado's? How is Mike Yastrzemski so good? When did Ryan McMahon become an above-average hitter? Why can't Kyle Schwarber hit anymore? How good would German Marquez be if he pitched for literally any other team?

8. The Misfits (Reid, 1-2, 532.83 points, last week 10): Whoa, what got into Reid's team? The Misfits came close to the 200-point mark, thanks to almost 90 points from the pitching staff. The Dodger duo of Julio Urias and Dustin May struck out 29 hitters in 18 innings, and Adam Wainwright forgot what year it was and struck out 10 himself. Kenley Jansen picked up a couple of saves, and Kyle Hendricks won a game in classic Hendricks fashion. On offense, Raimel Tapia led the scoring with 20 points (I double-checked this like six times, I swear). Kris Bryant and Javier Baez each put up 17 points in the aforementioned good week for the Chicago offense. We're willing to overlook catcher Will Smith's 5-point stinker because of his cool name. 

Our favorite Civil War general
has been working on a sweet
beard this season.

9. The Rookies (Henry, 0-3, 532.67 points, last week 6): The Rookies needed just a little more hitting to slip past LCL and get in the win column. In a week with no double starts, Henry's staff put up an impressive 68 points by going 2-0 with a save and only four runs allowed (all by Zack Wheeler) in 27 innings. In other words, Corbin Burnes, Ian Anderson and Tyler Mahle were outstanding. It was a different story at the plate, with only Dylan Carlson (22.5 points) and Jonathan India (11 points) reaching double digits. Eugenio Suarez and Ozzie Albies have to start hitting at some point, right? Not even war hero and gangrene survivor Brigadier General Dansby Swanson could rescue our resident Braves fan. 

10. Arbitration Losers (Tim, 1-2, 495.5 points, last week 9): We're not sure how ESPN calculates these sorts of things, but the Worldwide Leader in Sports gives Tim's team a 0 percent chance of making the FBLG playoffs. That's pretty bad for a team that's currently in fourth place in its division — and thus, holding a playoff spot. Anyway, Tim's offense kinda stunk in Week 3, putting up only 76.5 points despite a team-leading 23 from Trevor Story. Buster Posey (14 points) was the only other hitter in double digits. On the mound, Kevin Gausman was impressive in a pair of outings, going 1-0 with only 1 run allowed and 16 Ks in 14 innings. We eagerly await Tim's "nobody believed in us" speech.