Week 1: The Check Swing

Joe Musgrove finally went where no Padres pitcher before him had ever gone. No, not the playoffs, smartass.

Some people read The New Yorker. Some people read Sports Illustrated. We here at the Commissioners' Office enjoy getting stumped by the TV Guide crossword puzzle. But people in the know read The Check Swing, FBLG's always educational and occasionally amusing week-in-review blog posts. So without further Abreu...

1. Tears In Nevin (Rich/Brian, 1-0, 335.83 points): It's too early to know for sure, but the commissioners may have broken their pattern of drafting terribly, underperforming at the beginning of the season and scrambling to rebuild a decent roster via free agency. Drafting Dodgers is looking like a good strategy, as Clayton Kershaw, Max Muncy and Corey Seager were TIN's top 3 scorers for the week. Eduardo Escobar and Freddie Freeman each homered 4 times, and chunky catcher Omar Narvaez came out of the gate hot. Someone had to pick up the slack in the absence of Rick, our resident Miami fan, and the commishes made it happen by rostering a whopping 5 Marlins. Good thing 3 of them are pitchers because that offense suuuuuuucks.

2. Lumber Co Lumber (John, 1-0, 283.67 points): We admit that we chuckled when LCL came out of the draft with several Pirates on the roster. We're not laughing now. Granted, John's Bucs didn't contribute much in Week 1, but everyone else sure did. Topping that list is former Pirate Joe Musgrove, who went 2-0 without allowing a run in 15 innings with 18 strikeouts. He also threw the first no-hitter in Padres history, which we assume San Diego fans missed because they were in line for fish tacos. LCL's top hitters were Wil Myers (really?), Yadier Molina (Really??) and Jake Cronenworth (REALLY???), which makes us wonder what the heck Juan Soto, Marcell Ozuna and Paul Goldschmidt were doing. 

We hate to shine the spotlight on Cardinals,
but this Carlson kid might be pretty good.

3. Project Mayhem (Bill, 1-0, 271.83 points): If not for some guy throwing a no-no, Ronald Acuña Jr. would have been a no-brainer for our Stud of the Week award (the trophy is a Derek Jeter gift basket). Acuña put up 44 points by doing just about everything — he had 4 homers, 5 doubles and 7 singles; stole 2 bases; walked an old lady across the street; and rescued a cat from a tree. Gavin Lux was PM's second-best hitter, and he didn't even have half as many points as Acuña. On the mound, Yu Darvish and Trevor Bauer allowed some runs but struck out a bunch of guys, and Anthony DeSclafani looked great in 2 outings. He might not even be the best reclamation project here: Closer Daniel Bard has 2 saves and 6 Ks in 3.2 scoreless innings. Nice pitching, Shakespeare.

4. The Rookies (Henry, 0-1, 244.5 points): These guys came out of the gate strongly, but their offense was no match for TIN's in an opening-week loss. If Craig Kimbrel is back to his old self, this pitching staff could be terrifying. Kimbrel, Zack Wheeler, Corbin "not Roger Dorn" Burnes, Ian "not the Jethro Tull guy" Anderson and Tyler Mahle combined for 71 strikeouts and 11 runs allowed in 48 innings. How did they only earn 2 victories? You might be surprised to learn that Dylan Carlson was Henry's top hitter — or that there's actually someone named Dylan Carlson in the major leagues. It didn't help that Ozzie Albies got off to a slow start, Cody Bellinger got hurt and Eugenio Suarez kicked the ball all over the diamond.   

We couldn't have been the only ones hoping
Castellanos would punch Molina right in his
stupid face.

5. Jon Voight's Car (Adam, 0-1, 240.33 points): The downside of drafting Mets with your first two picks is that you're kind of hosed when the Mets don't play. Also, the downside of drafting Jacob deGrom is that he pitches for the Mets. JVC's ace was masterful, as usual, allowing only 1 run with 21 strikeouts in 14 innings. Naturally, deGrom went 0-1. Unfortunately for the LeBarons, non-closer Devin Williams wasn't very good and Caleb Smith got bumped from the rotation after only 1 start. The Arizona rotation. Ouch. Meanwhile, Nick Castellanos and Eric Hosmer hit everything in sight, but Francisco Lindor did very little and Keston Hiura did even less.

6. Clemente's Bucs (Ray, 1-0, 236.5 points): The Sons of Stargell eked out a Week 1 win against the No. 7 team in our rankings, and the pitching was the difference. Ray's staff earned 3 wins and Tim's picked up zero. Brandon Woodruff was ace-worthy despite not recording a decision, and Jake Arrieta pitched well in going 2-0. Fan favorite Charlie Morton — unless that fan is Rich — claimed the other win. CB's best hitters carried the load, with Bryce Harper, Christian Yelich and Ketel Marte topping the scoring. But Yelich is battling a back problem, and Pete Alonso is off to a slow start. Amir Garrett has allowed 5 runs in 3 innings but somehow hasn't blown a save or taken a loss.

Bumgarner might be a better hitter than a pitcher now.

7. Arbitration Losers (Tim, 0-1, 222.33 points): Three-fifths of AL's pitching staff was outstanding in Week 1. Stephen Strasburg, Blake Snell and Kevin Gausman allowed 4 runs and fanned 35 hitters in 29.1 innings — without a decision. Unfortunately, Madison Bumgarner got hammered (11 runs in 9 innings) and Will Smith lost 2 games. Mike Moustakas, Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story led three-quarters of a potent infield — looking at you, Joey Votto — but Michael Conforto was a no-show in the outfield. Buster Posey hit a couple of homers, which could indicate a return to form.

8. Boogie Oogie Penny Ponies (Matt, 1-0, 219.67 points): BOPP didn't get off to the smoothest start to the season but earned a W anyway. The Nats' virus situation kept top pick Trea Turner from taking the field for a few days, closer Archie Bradley turned out to not be Philly's closer, ace Luis Castillo got shelled in his opener and rotation piece Elieser Hernandez suffered an arm injury. Mark Melancon has been perfect as the new closer, though. Rhys Hoskins, Manny Machado and Ryan McMahon have sparked the offense, which could use more from Jeff McNeil, Jason Heyward and Mike Yastrzemski.

There's the Hiura joke you were expecting earlier!

9. The Misfits (Reid, 0-1, 212.83 points): The L.A. portion of Reid's pitching staff was solid, with Julio Urias, Dustin May and Kenley Jansen going 3-0 with a couple of saves. But Max Fried has been hit hard and Kyle Hendricks pitches for the offensively challenged Cubs. But the real reason for The Misfits' 7-point loss was the lack of a first baseman: Josh Bell was on the Covid list and did not play, so his spot was a net zero. Kind of like having Hiura at first base! It also didn't help that Mookie Betts got hurt and missed time. Tyler O'Neill already has 2 errors in the outfield, and he barely contributed at the plate. It'll be up to Betts, Javier Baez and Kris Bryant to get this team going. 

10. Sunshine Carpet Cleaners (Jack, 0-1, 212.67 points): Welcome to the league, Jack! As your initiation, your team will lose your first-round pick to a scary injury, have a no-hitter thrown against you and get off to a slow start. The good news is that the rotation looks good with Max Scherzer and Walker Buehler leading the way and Jon Gray bouncing back. Josh Hader doesn't have a save yet, but he does have a pair of wins. Garrett Hampson looks like a nice find, as well. The bad news is that SCC has made 10 errors, all by infielders Fernando Tatis Jr. (5), Justin Turner Overdrive (3) and C.J. Cron (2). You're next, Kolten Wong.