Week 4: The Check Swing

Apparently, chicks do dig the long ball. Especially if you hit 4 in a week like Kris Bryant.

After not allowing a run in spring training, Daniel Bard
has an ERA of 9.00 in the regular season. Even for a
Rockies pitcher, that's lousy.

1. Tears In Nevin (Rich/Brian, 3-1, 898.17 points, last week 1): Despite injuries to important players (LOL at considering Jazz Chisholm, Omar Narvaez and Brandon Nimmo important), the commishes cracked the 200-point barrier and led FBLG in scoring in Week 4. The pitching was a strength, with the starters going 3-1 — including 2 wins from Marlins! But poor Pablo Lopez over there is still 0-2 with a 2.34 ERA. At the plate, Max Muncy did nothing but walk and get stranded; meanwhile Chris Taylor was scoring left and right (giggidy!). The commishes also got 16.5 points from whatever the hell a "Pavin Smith" is.

2. Project Mayhem (Bill, 2-2, 820.17 points, last week 2): You could easily split the PM roster into 2 camps: guys who showed up in Week 4, and guys who went to the strip club instead. Daniel Bard went 1-1 while allowing 5 runs in 1.1 innings, so you know where he falls. Same with Gavin Lux (4 points), the shortstop tandem of Didi Gregorius and Brandon Crawford (5 points), and the third-base tandem of Austin Riley and Evan Longoria (5.5 points). Jesse Winker and Ronald Acuña Jr. brought it with the bat — yes, again — and Yu Darvish, Trevor Bauer and Anthony DeSclafani pitched well but went only 2-2. No wonder PM lost to the Penny Ponies.

No, not in the face!

3. Lumber Co Lumber (John, 3-1, 785.5 points, last week 3): John's and Ray's teams were the two lowest-scoring FBLG squads in Week 4, but we're not going to make a Pirates joke at their expense. Haven't they been through enough? Regardless, LCL took its first L of the season and handed JVC its first W of the season. Funny how that works. Aside from the steady Brad Hand, LCL pitchers allowed 15 runs in only 19.2 innings, which just isn't enough. On offense, only 5 batters reached double figures in scoring — and 2 of them were Pirates! Oop, guess we're making a Pittsburgh joke after all. At least Marcell Ozuna is mashing again! 

4. Sunshine Carpet Cleaners (Jack, 2-2, 768.84 points, last week 5): The Cleaners had a good week, putting up 184.33 points, but it wasn't enough in a matchup against TIN. Garrett Hampson led the offense with 18 points, but you don't really want Garrett Hampson leading your team in anything.  Fellow Rockies Charlie Blackmon and C.J. Cron also performed well, which means Colorado was probably playing Arizona. (Yup, they were.) Fernando Tatis Jr. made only 1 error, which counts as a victory. Speaking of victories, Max Scherzer had the only one for the SCC pitching staff, which allowed 20 runs in 36.1 innings. We assume an Angels fan like Jack would be used to that.

Sorry, Vince. We like your kid more.
"Here comes the money!"

5. Jon Voight's Car (Adam, 1-3, 761.17 points, last week 4): You haven't truly become a FLBG owner until you see your 2 LOLMets starters combine to allow 1 earned run in 11 innings with 17 strikeouts — and go 0-2. Speaking of LOLMets, Francisco Lindor put up a whopping 4 points, which isn't too great for a second-round pick. Or any pick, if we're behind honest. Nick Castellanos (31 points) and David Peralta (22.5 points) carried the load by scoring more than half of JVC's offensive points. Keston Hiura had his version of a perfect week, negating his single and run scored by making an error and posting a zero. Atta kid, Keston.

6. The Rookies (Henry, 1-3, 723.67 points, last week 9): The Rookies joined the ranks of the living by squeaking past AL in a high-scoring duel. Ozzie Albies had a huge under-the-radar week, with 7 of his 11 hits going for extra bases. Dansby Swanson was second among Rookies hitters, but he still has a stupid name. James McCann, who is slashing .215/.282/.262, has scored 23 points all season and is the latest in a long line of LOLMets catchers we can make fun of all season. The pitching was mostly mediocre, but the double starts from Zack Wheeler, Tyler Mahle and Ian Anderson gave Henry just enough extra points to pick up the win.   

We're gonna miss that big orange mop on the mound.

7. The Misfits (Reid, 2-2, 722.17 points, last week 8): Reid's offense went off in a blowout win against the Bucs. And some of it doesn't make sense. Raimel Tapia with 18.5 points? Will Smith with 20.5? Tyler O'Neill with 27? Oh, come on! Kris Bryant with 33? OK, that makes sense, actually. Imagine the output if Mookie Betts and Javier Baez had joined the party. On the mound, Julio Urias fanned 16 in 12 innings while picking up a win. But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows: Dustin May's elbow snapped, and Kyle Hendricks is serving up taters like he works at McDonald's.

8. Boogie Oogie Penny Ponies (Matt, 3-1, 702.33 points, last week 7): Yes, we really do have a 3-1 team this far down the rankings. Disgusting, isn't it? The BOPP pitching staff was, quite frankly, terrible in Week 4. Oh sure, Mark Melancon and Freddy Peralta earned a save and a win, respectively, but look at the rest of these schlubs. Zach Eflin, Austin Gomber and German Marquez combined to go 0-3 with 20 runs allowed in 18.1 innings. Of course, it is 2 Rockies and a guy who sometimes pitches like one. Anyway, BOPP picked up a win behind the strength of the lineup, which was led by Trea Turner and Rhys Hopkins. Ryan McMahon — our third-favorite McMahon behind Ed and Shane — had another strong week as well.

Austin "Goomba" Gomber.

9. Clemente's Bucs (Ray, 2-2, 680.83 points, last week 6): Ray's club tried pretty hard to fall into the basement in Week 4. The Bucs' pitching staff allowed 21 runs in 27.1 innings, which explains the low point total. Former Pirates legend (ahem) Charlie Morton allowed 9 runs in 10.2 innings but picked up CB's only win of the week. With 18 points, Tommy Edman was the leading hitter. Alec Bohm and Josh Harrison also hit well but did some Offermanian work with the glove, making a pair of errors each. Bryce Harper got plunked in the face and missed some time, and Victor Robles put up only 6 points. Is it too soon for another Drew Stubbs reference?

10. Arbitration Losers (Tim, 1-3, 678.17 points, last week 10): Tim's offense had a big week. Except for turds Wilmer Flores (Giant), Alex Dickerson (Giant), Adam Duvall (former Giant). But 5 Losers scored at least 18.5 points as the offense totaled 130 points. On the pitching side, the lack of double starts really hurt but makes the team point total of 182.67 even more impressive. Hey, good for Blake Snell for actually completing 5 innings! Sadly, the same can't be said for Aaron Sanchez. And we're not sure exactly who JT Brubaker is, but he sounds like a NASCAR driver from the 70s.