Week 5: The Check Swing

Exhibit A shows why Orkin man Derek Dietrich is one of our favorite utility-type players.

After two weeks of heavy partying in preparation for Cinco de Mayo, the commissioners are back with more rantings and ravings in our weekly review. We'll probably throw in some terrible jokes, too. Imagine that.

Zach Davies is a Joseph Gordon-Levitt impersonator
when he's not struggling to break a pane of glass
with his fastball.

1. The Rookies (1091.8 points, 2-3, last week 1): Two weeks ago, Henry's team was 0-3 and near the bottom of the rankings. The Rookies have since scored almost 500 points and look like the clear team to beat. How did they score 232 points in a win against Yari's Autonomics in Week 5? Well, getting 151 points from your offense doesn't hurt. The Rookies hit 14 homers and drove in 36 runs, led by Derek Dietrich (25 points, 4 homers) and Nolan Arenado (32.5 points, 3 homers). They also got 2 homers apiece from Ozzie Albies (25), Jesse Winker (23) and Eduardo Escobar (16.5). Oddly, FBLG leading scorer Cody Bellinger (12) didn't hit any. On the mound, soft-tossing righty Zach Davies (28) went 2-0, and Zack Wheeler (21) pitched well in a pair of no-decisions. Alleged ace Patrick Corbin struggled, though, going 0-1 and allowing 9 runs in 11 innings.

2. When the Ledee Breaks (1023.5, 3-2, last week 2): Every fantasy team delivers a stinker now and then, and it was Matt's turn in Week 5. You expect far more than 2 homers from a team with Jesus Aguilar (3), Yasmani Grandal (9), Juan Soto (1.5, then injured), Mike Moustakas (19.5), Michael Conforto (12), Trevor Story (19) and Ronald Acuña (12). In fact, this collection of boppers drove in only 12 runs — with 9 coming from Moustakas and Story. Early-season stud Christian Walker (0.5) has disappeared, and Starlin Castro (-1.5) tried really hard to get cut by the Marlins. Speaking of Marlins, Caleb Smith (19) was outstanding again and cracked the top 5 list for hurlers. Who saw that coming? Jake Arrieta (11) and Jose Quintana (11) were perfectly adequate, which is about what their scouting reports say these days. 

Let's play "Name That Padre." Our first bachelor checks in
at 6-foot-5 and 275 pounds...

3. Project Mayhem (1002.2, 4-1, last week 6): Bill's team might not have many of the biggest names in the NL, but they sure do put up the points. That was certainly true for their 224.8-point outburst in a win against the Fish. Despite Rich's grumblings, Ketel Marte (27.5) is a power hitter now. Paul DeJong (21) is tied for third in scoring by FBLG hitters, and David Peralta (14.5) isn't far behind. Lorenzo Cain (18.5) and Franmil Reyes (15) also had good weeks, as the PM offense racked up 139.5 points. Bill's pitching was outstanding and especially impressive considering the starters combined for only 4 appearances. Will Smith (22) earned a win and 3 saves to lead the way, and each starter picked up a W, as well. That's nice work by Luke Weaver (19), Kyle Hendricks (17), Miles Mikolas (14) and Walker Buehler (13.3).

4. Clemente's Bucs (987.2, 1-4, last week 3): Our long national nightmare is over! Correction: Ray's short personal annoyance is over. Despite being one of FBLG's top teams, the Bucs finally caught a break by facing a struggling team at the right time. CB put up 174.8 points in a thumping of The Misfits. Studly outfielders Charlie Blackmon (26.5) and Starling Marte (22.5) led a balanced attack, which also got contributions from waiver-wire pickup Eric Hosmer (19.5) and "Gone With the Wind" wacky neighbor Dansby Swanson (15). Jeff McNeil (12.5) keeps proving he's way too good to play for the Mets. Josh Donaldson — remember when this guy was the AL MVP? — did literally nothing but walk 3 times and commit an error. The Bucs' pitching was a mixed bag, with Stephen Strasburg (19.7) and Zach Eflin (16) each allowing 1 run in wins, but Nick Margevicius (7.3), Kenley Jansen (5.7) and Mike Foltynewicz (2.7) getting roughed up in losses.

Don't you know how to hit? 

5. Lumber Co Lumber (957.8, 3-2, last week 4): In our closest match of the week, John's team fell to the commissioners, 157.5-151.8. Josh Hader (21.7) got back on track and was LCL's top scorer. Hader earned 3 saves and recorded 10 of his 11 outs by strikeout. Tanner Roark (19.3), Kenta Maeda (16) and Jordan Lyles (15.7) combined for 6 starts but only 1 victory. Rhys Hoskins (21) and Willson Contreras (20) did their share to lead the offense, but there were too many weak spots in the lineup. Corey Seager (0) negated his contributions by making 2 errors. Robinson Cano (4.5) has been missing in action for weeks, and Bryce Harper (8) is hearing boos in Philly. Even Freddie Freeman (11) had a bad week by Freddie Freeman standards.

6. Hassey's Girl (955.3, 3-2, last week 5): We're not really sure what to make of this team after 5 weeks of the FBLG season. Other than Christian Yelich (5), who missed time because of an injury, the offense doesn't look special. And the pitching staff, which was supposed to be led by struggling Aaron Nola (10.7) and the injured Jameson Taillon (13.3), is middle of the pack. In Week 5, German Marquez (16) allowed 9 runs in 13 innings, and Greg Holland (14) allowed his first run of the season. Nick Markakis (21) is as steady as ever, and Matt Carpenter (13.5) is showing signs of awakening. But where are the contributions from Gregory Polanco (10), Wilson Ramos (8.5) and Travis Shaw (2.5)? Perhaps Nick Senzel (9) can make a difference.

We wish Kevin Gausman had plugged this idiot's earhole.

7. Arbitration Losers (941.7, 4-1, last week 8): Tim rode his team's strength — a solid, deep lineup — to a win against Ledee. Every hitter scored in double figured, and every one homered except for slap-hitting leadoff man Joey Votto. Manny Machado (23) hit 4 himself, and we're pretty sure those all came against the Dodgers. Eugenio Suarez (17.5) hit 3, and even Buster Posey hit 1! Where's Scott Cousins when you need him? Just kidding, Buster. Julio Teheran (18) was the top-scoring pitcher, but that's only because he made 2 starts. Madison Bumgarner (13) was the real ace here, but he missed out on a win because 2 runs is just too much to ask of the San Francisco "offense." Yu Darvish (3) stunk again, and Kirby Yates (6) got rocked twice. Kevin Gausman (1.7) got ejected and suspended for throwing at Jose Urena, which quite frankly should earn him a 20-point bonus.

8. Yari's Autonomics (937.2, 1-4, last week 7): Adam's team had a pretty good week — on the mound, anyway — but couldn't compete with the powerhouse Rookies. YA got 91.3 of its 178.8 points from its pitchers. Zack Greinke (25.7) picked up a win and continued his strong season, and Mike Soroka (36) was phenomenal. The Atlanta righty won twice, allowed 1 run in going 2-0, and fanned 14 batters in 13 innings. Max Scherzer (9) was actually the low man on the roster after allowing 3 runs in a loss. The offense was a trouble spot, with only Jean Segura (19) and Yasiel Puig (17) having above-average weeks. Granted, YA shuffled a lot of hitters in and out of the lineup, but this team got noting from its random assortment of second basemen and third basemen, plus catcher Jorge Alfaro.

Hey, weren't you guys in the World Series
a couple of years ago?

9. Fresh Fish (932.2, 3-2, last week 9): For the first time this year, Rick's team looked like a complete ballclub. It was unfortunate timing, though, as it came against a smoking-hot Project Mayhem. Luis Castillo (23.7) maintained his status as FBLG's No. 1 pitcher but failed to pick up a win in 2 outings (because Reds). Felipe "Vazquez" (18) is proving that he's the best Pirates closer since Rich Loiselle. (Just kidding; we all know it's Stan Belinda.) Chris Paddack (14) picked up the Fish's only victory, while Jacob deGrom (13) was outstanding and didn't give up a run in a no-decision. Classic Mets. Anthony Rizzo (24) homered 3 times and drove in 9 runs to power the offense. Marcell Ozuna (21) continued his bounce-back season, and Kris Bryant (18) hit well but caught the gaffe bug from his infield-mate Amed Rosario (11.5); they each made 2 errors. 

10. The Misfits (859.8, 1-4, last week 10): There's not a lot to say about Reid's team these days. There's one hitter who's going to miss half the season with a faulty elbow — that's A.J. Pollock's modus operation — and one pitcher who's just coming back from a stint in the minors. By posting another zero, Sean Newcomb still managed to outscore Edwin Diaz (-3), who obviously sucks now that he's with the Mets. It's a good thing Noah Syndergaard (24) is around to keep the pitching staff somewhat respectable. The hitting has been up and down all year, and Week 5 was more of the same. Paul Goldschmidt (6) was a no-show, but Ryan Braun (26.5) turned his latest BALCO shipment into a strong performance. Justin Turner (16.5) got with the program, and Yadier Molina (13) did whatever it is he does to earn accolades. Adam "Pacman" Jones (7.5) really cooled off, though.

Exhibit B.

Commissioner Rich has no idea what
sesos are, but he orders them anyway.

Batting leaders after Week 5

1. Cody Bellinger (R) 152.5
2. Christian Yelich (HG) 135
3t. Nolan Arenado (R) 118.5
3t. Marcell Ozuna (FF) 118.5
3t. Paul DeJong (PM) 118.5

Pitching leaders after Week 5

1. Luis Castillo (FF) 110.3
2. Zack Greinke (YA) 103
3. Stephen Strasburg (CB) 96.3
4. German Marquez (HG) 93
5. Caleb Smith (WLB) 88