Week 1: The Check Swing

For one week at least, Stud of the Week Gregory Polanco and the Misfits are looking up in the standings at no one.

The commish is taking the FBLG equivalent of droit du seigneur and rolling through the season's first week in review. Will he use it as a forum to air his grievances, make fun of players he doesn't like, and make unfair judgments based on a week's sample size? Read on to find out!

The scoreboard

1. The Misfits (285.8 points, 1-0): (Vin Scully voice) AND LOOK WHO'S COMING UP! It's the dean of FBLG owners, the wily veteran, the frequent drafter of Willies Mays, Stargell and Keeler... it's Reid! The offense probably won't put up 206.5 points every week, so let's go ahead and be dazzled by it now. Gregory Polanco - who may actually be good again - had a ridiculous 13 RBIs and scored 42 points. Who was he driving in? Why, Josh Harrison scored 11 times and had 35.5 points. Raise your hand if you thought the Pirates offense would be the driving force behind the season's first week. Lorenzo Cain (27.5) and Christian Yelich (22.5 before getting hurt) were great too, as was everyone's favorite neck-tattooed catcher, Yadier Molina (26.5). Even Eric Hosmer (24.5) was great, with the exception of one pop fly. Clatyton Kershaw was the only pitcher to be good, and even he couldn't get a win as the Misfits staff went 0-3. At least Wade Davis was 4-5 in save opps. Congrats to Reid for the stellar opener.

We went looking for a picture of Sean Newcomb
and found this instead.

2. The Rookies (271.5 points, 1-0): Freddie Freeman, who remains the most underrated player in baseball, put up 43.5 points to lead the Rookies to a win against the Fish. Freeman had 11 RBIs, 10 runs... and 13 walks! Rookie sensation Ozzie Albies had 34 points, David Peralta put up 30.5 and Eugenio Suarez scored 27.5 as the Rookies' offense scored 185.5 points despite not getting much of anything from Austin Hedges and Orlando Arcia. As a team, though: 12 homers, 16 doubles, 41 RBIs, 43 runs, 31 walks... yeah, that will work. Henry's pitching was good but not great, as lefties Gio Gonzalez (27.3 points) and Sean Newcomb (22.3) led the way. Ace Zack Greinke, though, was 0-1 and managed only 10.2 innings in 2 starts. But if the Braves keep hitting for our resident Atlanta fan, the Rookies will be a tough out all season.

Former relief-because-he-sucked-so-much pitcher
Patrick Corbin is your Ace of the Week.

3. Fresh Fish (258.8 points, 0-1): Tough-luck Rick is 0-1 despite scoring the third-most points, dropping a close one to the Rookies. Patrick Corbin put up 41 points in 2 starts as the out-of-nowhere ace, and yeah that's not infuriating at all to past Corbin owners who watched him be so bad he spent the second half of the season in the bullpen, no sirree. Add in Max Scherzer (28) and the Japanese tandem of Yu Darvish (17.3) and Kenta Maeda (23) and this rotation could be a force to be reckoned with all season. The offense was solid, with Maikel Franco's 11 RBIs leading to a 26.5-point week. It's ok to go ahead and count on that every week from young Mr. Franco (snicker). But Carlos Gonzalez (23.5), Andrew McCutchen (19.5) and Yasiel Puig (18.5) are likely to keep hitting, and that might be enough with this staff. At least until Darvish starts tipping his slider again.

4. Fasano Don't Dance (258 points, 1-0): When you spend 4 of your first 5 picks building a rotation, it's nice when your pitching staff emerges as a strength right from the start of the season. Jacob deGrom (31.7) points, Robbie Ray (31) and Stephen Strasburg (22.3) led the charge as the rotation won 6 of 7 starts and struck out 45 batters in the hard-fought win against Project Mayhem. The offense... well, let's just say there's room for growth. Adorable fat man/guitar hero Carlos Santana put up 25 points to lead the way, and late-round pick Chris Iannetta had 9 hits, but the opening matchup was marked by lots and lots and lots of strikeouts. Ian Happ is striking out 56.7 percent of his at-bats, for example. And star third baseman Jake Lamb is already on the DL The commishes are hoping that the warmer weather will wake up the bats.

My darling Dansby, do bring your gentle soul back
from that horrible war. And hit the ball where it's pitched.

5. Pitch You Blockhead! (256.8 points, 1-0): It was an up-and-down opening week for Scott. He got the win and saw some great offensive prowess, but his closer blew out his hamstring and his two top offensive weapons both have bad backs. First the good: Charlie Blackmon (33.5 points) just keeps hitting, and Brigadier General J. Dansby Swanson (32.5) looks like he might be pretty great, too. Asdrubal Cabrera (25.5), Anthony Rendon (23), Ian Desmond (21) and Yasmani Grandal (20) all contributed mightily on offense. Dodger lefties Rich Hill (23 points) and Alex Wood (18) had their moments. But for the bad: Blackmon has a bum back, and is day to day, as is Anthony Rizzo, who struggled to a 9.5-point opener before missing a handful of games. And Corey Knebel's hamstring did him no favors, leaving him on the DL for a while. If Blackmon and Rizzo are back, this offense will cook, but can Clayton Richard, Miles Mikolas and Brad Boxberger fill out the back end of the rotation and the closer's spot?

6. Arbitration Losers (248.7 points, 0-1): Tim's pitching staff had an ugly week, and his offense's massive production couldn't overcome it in the loss to the Misfits. Johnny Cueto put up 22 points and Jon Lester had 19.3, but Michael Wacha, Julio Teheran and closer Hector Neris combined for just 15.4. Offensively, first-round pick Bryce Harper did Bryce Harper things: 6 homers, 10 runs, 12 RBIs, 13 walks.. a nice 45.5 to start the season. AJ Pollock (39.5) did a little of everything, including infuriate a certain commissioner who just flat doesn't like him. And Corey Dickerson rocked 6 extra base hits for a 31-point week. When Corey Seager starts hitting, this offense will get even stronger. But can the rotation do more? On behalf of the rest of the league, we better hope not.

Our dud of the week is the umpiring crew who didn't eject Yadi for this.

7. Project Mayhem (245.5 points, 0-1): Bill's big bats did the bopping he was hoping for in the tight loss to Fasano, but his pitching staff was largely disappointing. Jameson Taillon (38.3 points) looks like he could be an ace, but Aaron Nola struggled (as did his manager) in two starts, and Homer Bailey and German Marquez went a combined 0-3. Jeurys "Happy" Familia racked up 4 saves, though, as the Mets teased their fans with a good start to the season. Top pick Nolan Arenado put up 30 points, and Tommy Pham (24.5), Josh Bell (23.5) and Marcell Ozuna (23) all did their part. Three catchers have already played for Mayhem, and they combined for only 6.5 points, which isn't ideal. But it looks like the rest of the offense will be legit. 

8. BodySuit Man (243.8 points, 1-0): Adam is this week's luckiest winner, as the Fightin' Costanzas edged the Geniuses by 2.5 points. Who to credit for the win? We're looking at Brandon McCarthy, who put up 2 wins and 25.3 points in a pair of starts to bolster performances by aces Noah Syndergaaaaard (26 points) and Jon Gray (21). It's clear that, when you add in closer Sean Doolittle, Adam's rotation wins the Best Hair Award. In the lineup, Matt Kemp and Ketel Marte (since cut) did nothing, but enigmatic star Yoenis Cespedes led the way with 26 points. Joey Votto was limited to 7 singles, an RBI and somehow only 1 walk in a down week. And Paul DeJong (21.5 points) hit 3 more homers than Willson Contreras, Votto, Kemp and Todd Frazier combined. If BMac keeps pitching like this, Adam's team will keep winning. 

9. Stable Geniuses (241.3 points, 0-1): Matt's pitching staff struck out 51 guys, but only got a 3-3 record with 1 save out of it in the narrow loss to Adam. The offense is pretty loaded, with Starling Marte (23 points), Travis Shaw (22.5), Trea Turner (22) and Cody Bellinger (20) racking up points. But who led the way for the offense? That's right, noted slugger Joe Panik, who hit 3 solo homers and 8 singles for a 24.5. After 2 games, it appeared Panik solo homers might be the only way the Giants score this year. Tanner Roark (26) points, Carlos Martinez (25.7) and Luke Weaver (24.3) were stellar, but closer Kenley Jansen had a loss and a blown save and notched only 3 points for the week. Must be a bittersweet feeling for a Giants fan to lose because the Dodgers closer looked human for a week.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa Bad Hand.

10. Clemente's Bucs (221.8 points, 0-1): Is it a bad sign when your closer is 0-2 with a blown save after the first week? We'll say yes, and that typifies the kind of opener it was for our defending champ in the loss to the Blockheads. Kyle Hendricks (12 points), Ivan Nova (7.3) and previously referenced closer Brad Hand (9) didn't do much, and even aces Jose Quintana (16) and Chase Anderson (20) weren't great in 2 starts. The offense - which saw 12 different players score points - was led by the Welsh Whacker himself, Rhys Hoskins (34.5 points). Adam Eaton (31.5) made a triumphant return from injury, and Kris Bryant (27) was his usual self. But Domingo Santana (9.5), Alex Avila (3.5), Manny Pina (5) and Jose Peraza (0) didn't do much, and Paul Goldschmidt (14) had a rough start. With the offensive firepower, this team will hit better, but can the pitching do enough?

Dance like you're leading the league in homers. Oh, god, wait, stop that. DON'T DANCE.

Hitting leaders after week 1

1. Bryce Harper (AL) 45.5
2. Freddie Freeman (R) 43.5
3. Gregory Polanco (M) 32
4. AJ Pollock (AL) 39.5
5. Josh Harrison (M) 35.5

Bring back the hair, deGrom. 

Pitching leaders after week 1

1. Patrick Corbin (FF) 41
2. Jameson Taillon (PM) 38.3
3. Jacob deGrom (FDD) 31.7
4. Robbie Ray (FDD) 31
5. Max Scherzer (FF) 28